BETTER WITHOUT THEM

I don't pretend to be a relationship expert, because every one of my attempts have failed miserably, but I have definitely mastered the art of getting over the heartbreak and damage caused by these heart-breakers. Now everyone is different and has different copping mechanisms, I have a few. From my countless experiences of being a real dummy and going back to my toxic ex, a habit I thought I would never break... I have finally figured out how to break the toxic bond that kept on pulling me back with the help of my counselor and obviously God.

Recently I have found that one of the most important verses in the Bible is Proverbs 4:23 which says: "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Heart break is traumatizing, especially when you were in a sexual relationship with that person. The reason why we Christians preach about saving yourself for marriage is not because our God is trying to prevent us from 'having fun' or anything like that. No, God put this commandment in place because when we sleep with someone we become one with them, you create what we call a 'Soul Tie'. It is a very spiritual connection which makes it difficult to get over a person. God made sex to be between two people who would spend the rest of their lives together, he doesn't want us to feel that harsh separation which is also why he hates divorce. But either way, the first step to moving forward is to break this soul tie. (Please just note, I am not perfect, I have messed up big time in my life, but God is a forgiving and loving God)

Sometimes God has to separate you from someone so that he can set you on the path to fulfilling your purpose. We may not realize we're being held back by someone until we accept that there is a greater reason that the separation needs to take pace. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it does help your healing process. Try looking at it from a different perspective, the positives that come from no longer having that person in your life, if you need to make a list, do it. Write down things that made you unhappy in the relationship, what the relationship has taught you and think of reasons why it is a good thing it didn't workout. Put your pain and heartbreak in God's hands, he can heal you in ways you will never begin to understand. When you begin to leave everything in God's hands, you will begin to see God's hands in everything.

IT IS OKAY TO CRY. It's okay to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to feel this pain, allow your heart to feel what it needs to feel, but do not allow it to linger... So I guess we can get onto the topic of music, because, let's face it, music places a massive part in our breakups. As soon as we are heartbroken we bring out those Taylor Swift and Dean Lewis breakup sad songs. Music has the ability to adjust your mood, which is why instead of listening to sad and slow breakup songs, change it up to some upbeat, better me, breakup songs. I have made a playlist on Spotify for you to go listen to with all these amazing uplifting breakup songs on, it is called "Better without them" by Mignon Nell, and the same playlist on YouTube for you to find, I'll pop the link down below:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLKeID4DnMR0AoS7HMqPBj-iWyu12gLi6p

These are just a few of the songs that help me look on the bright side, and that also help me move on.

There is no set amount of time that a person will take to get over someone, I wish I could make this a "get over a guy in 10 days" kind of blog, but it is just not realistic. I do however know that the more you want to work on yourself and the more you want to move on, the easier it will be. If you constantly tell yourself that 'he was the best you ever had' or 'I'll never get over him' or 'I will always love him' or even 'I am never going to find someone else', believe it, you will not get over him or the hurt. I think a lot of us hold onto the idea of the guys that we date, that 'maybe he'll change', 'maybe he will go back to being the person he was in the beginning'. Truth is he has shown you his true colours, you need to find a way to accept that. People don't change just because you want them to unfortunately, only on their own terms and by them actually wanting to change. All you can do is pray for them and wish them well.

I also found that the more I spoke about my exes, the more difficult it was to forget about them and to move on. 100% talk to your girls about it, about how he hurt you, or about how sad you are, it is important to surround yourself with people who will support you and be there for you. BUT you need to make an effort to eventually stop bringing him up in conversations, it is not going to be easy, but the more you work on it, the more you will start to realize how easy it becomes. Every time you speak about him you open up that wound again.

BLOCK THEM. I know that we always get told that we need to block our exes and we never end up doing it, but this is honestly the best decision ever. Literally block them on everything, delete their number, delete the pics. You don't have to do it immediately, you aren't heartless, but make the decision to do this. By no longer seeing their statuses, posts and having the opportunity to message them, it makes it easier to forget about them. The worst thing I ever did was continue stalking my exes profile and then suddenly see him with a new girl. Like, by all means, do this if you want to send yourself spiralling into a depressive state again. Otherwise make the decision to love yourself enough not to put yourself through that pain again. It is not your fault for someone breaking your heart, never blame yourself. You can acknowledge the parts you did play in the grande scheme (it is a very mature decision to make), but do not put all the blame on yourself. It takes two to tango.

FOCUS ON YOU. Girl, you have to to grow, glow and thrive. Being single helps give you time to self-reflect and to focus on your goals. When you start focusing on building yourself into the woman you have always wanted to be, you will eventually find a man who is doing the same. God will put him in your life when he says you're ready, not when you think you are. Being alone is tough, don't I know it... but by putting God first and yourself first you start to realize that you don't need a man to complete you. In all fairness, you should be complete and whole before you get into anything serious, no person can ever fill the void you feel inside, only God can do that. When you focus on yourself you also start seeing that you know your worth and your standards start getting set higher and higher, which is a good thing, never bring them down for a man you think might be for you. You shouldn't ever have to lower your standard for someone. Go exercise, focus on your skin, focus on your mind and your thoughts, start something new, work towards your goals, travel and see the world. Go get your nails done, dye your hair pink if you want to, spend money on yourself (but obviously don't get yourself into debt, please, it is not worth it. Just work hard for things that you want to buy yourself). Get your lashes done, get you brows shaped, get a boob job... I don't know, finally do what you've always been wanting to do for yourself.

I recently watched Michael Todd's 'Relationship Goals Reloaded' series (I will link it below) where he speaks about ripping up your list. We ladies like creating our dream man, don't we? We want him to be tall, dark and handsome, and all things unrealistic. But God tells us to rip up our list, not only with the man of our dreams, but with our life, the way we think it should go, because our list will never be the same as God's list (and his list is so much better for us, because he will give us what we need, not what we want).

DON'T GET A REBOUND. I cannot stress this enough. This I am guilty of on multiple accounts... That whole thing of 'you need to get under someone to get over someone' is the worst advise anyone could ever give you. You only end up damaging yourself more and even sometimes end up damaging the other person because you go into this relationship without the intention of giving them your all. You need time to heal. You will get there, I promise, it may not seem like it now, but I promise that you will eventually be okay.

DON"T BE HARD ON YOURSELF. It is going to take sometime, months even. This is a long process, but it is worth every second. As I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, Michael Todd's 'Relationship Goal's' has literally been changing my life and my perspective on so many things, especially this season of singleness and how necessary it is. In his first video he speaks about what God wants to give you before settling down... God wants to:

1. Place you (in your area, school, family, friendship circles, church, etc) in order to prepare you for his purpose for you.

2. God wants to give you a purpose, isn't it amazing that we don't have to try figure it out for ourselves? He wants to give us a purpose if we will listen to him, and no matter how long it takes you to acknowledge that, he will wait for you. His plan for you never changes, not with time, not with circumstances, nothing will change his mind.

3. God wants to give you provision. He wants to provide for all your needs, he wants to bless you so that you can bless others. He wants to equip you for your purpose. It is written; "do not worry about the food you will eat, or the clothes you will wear"

4. God wants to give you an identity. Isn't it amazing that you don't have to search for who you are? God tells us who we are, his gives us an identity in Christ. Knowing who you are in Christ is so crucial before getting into anything serious, it goes hand-in-hand with being whole.

5. God wants to give us parameters. He wants to set boundaries and standards for us so that we won't keep falling into sin and unhealthy, toxic relationships. So that we don't let those relationships set the boundaries for us.

I hope this helps you, please don't be afraid to reach out on Instagram if you want advice or prayer, or even to share your thoughts with me. I would love to hear from you if this helps you at all.

Until next time. :)

Michael Todd's 'Relationship Goals':

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7h5BHax06c&list=PLzsoBckyt2cEwFRDUzUbcUtfE1MNZiaGM

And his 'Relationship Goals Reloaded' series:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-irCcuWNjM&list=PLhYvOKkFVSGv4kw723e8AIgVXDSrDhnlJ