THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS

The worst advice anyone can give you is to follow your heart. I know it sounds cynical but hear me out... I touched base a bit on this in my last blog but I thought it needed more of an explanation. Proverbs 4:23 tell us to guard our hearts above all else for everything we do flows from it.Which only then leads me to point out that the only logical explanation would be that we need to guard our hearts above all else because it can be easily tampered with, easily deceived, easily manipulated and easily broken.

What better way to guard our hearts than to first realize that we need help... assistance in this matter? I've met so many people (including the person I used to be) who would continue to go back to our exes because it's what we felt in our hearts was right. I would constantly ask myself, "what if we are meant to be?", "what if he has really changed?", "what if we just needed some time apart?". I would find myself continuously going back because I felt as though it meant to be. You know that saying, "if you love something, let it go. If it comes back then it was meant to be yours"? Well this does not refer to toxic exes who put you through hell... This saying is more for the moments where you continuously support your partner through thick and thin, even if it means they need to go away for a bit to achieve these goals then yeah. This does not refer to you letting your toxic partner come back into your life over and over because they've "changed".

I feel sorry for my friends and family who had to deal with me and my endless mistakes where I would break up with my ex and get back with him over and over and over again. We ended up damaging each other in ways you couldn't begin to imagine. You see, every time we would get back together we would have doubts and fears about the other one leaving us and constantly fought. We broke down our self-esteems to nothing. He became insecure and aggressive and I became someone who didn't care about what he said I could and couldn't do, even if sometimes it hurt him... I would fight for my independence almost all the time. I had to realize that it wasn't only him hurting me, but also that I hurt him.

Following your heart is dangerous and should be done with caution. When you set your heart and mind on God and allow him to lead you, then yes follow your heart after much prayer. But if you're going to do something because it "feels right", I urge you to take a step back and just re-evaluate the situation and your heart. It is so difficult to distinguish the feelings we have and where they originate from. Sometimes we are attracted to some toxic part of someone because of our past traumas. Learning to recognize these patterns that originated from past traumas is such an important part in your journey to healing and change. It took a long time for me to learn these things about myself, but with the help of Candice V.Love and her book, "No More Narcissists", I was able to recognize these things, these patterns and start working to overcome them. They're called life traps, and I had a few...

1. Abandonment - I used to believe that people would leave me or reject me because I never used to feel worthy of them or their time. I would constantly fight with my ex and tell him he should leave me because I was so insecure, and then do everything and anything I could to make him stay (which would eventually lead to allowing physical, mental and emotional abuse). I changed this by using affirmations, such as: I am courageous, I am enough, I am worthy of the love God has for me, and I am changing.

2. Mistrust and abuse - sometimes I believe that I deserve to be abused and misused by people, which is also probably why I also allowed those guys to have their way with me without me having set boundaries. I didn't respect myself and my boundaries because I believed I didn't deserve better than that. I changed this by using affirmations, such as: I am worthy, I am fearless, I am strong, I am in control and I can protect myself.

Crazy story about the whole protecting myself situation. When I was in matric we had a self-defense course which honestly traumatized me in a way that took me forever to realize. We were told to stand and they went around telling quite a few people to sit down. The rest of us remaining were then told we were rape-able because of the body language we were portraying (I was standing with my one foot in front of the other, and my one hand on the other arm). Not only was I told I was rape-able, but also could not get out of any of the grips they were trying to teach us to release from. It was a mental block. This then lead up to my belief that I couldn't actually protect myself and in turn never fought back.

3. Emotional deprivation - why do I push people away? I used to believe that no one understood me. I didn't believe that I could count on anyone to be there for me the way I was there for them, and I would put my life on hold to help people out... In some cases this is actually true, not everyone will give to you what you give them. I would push the people who wanted to be there for me, away. I felt that I was boring and have nothing interesting to offer (an insecurity caused by people who would call me irritating). I never felt like I belonged. I eventually came to wrap my head around the fact that you will not always fit in. You will have a few people who really matter and who would always be there for you and that is what counts. I gave so much up for people, without wanting anything in return. I depleted myself and jeopardized my peace as my obsessive urge to please people. I was depleted emotionally, mentally and even physically to a point that I started having panic attacks. I ended up changing this by using affirmations, such as: I am valuable, I am interesting and I am worthy of love. I also needed to start understanding my boundaries.

4. Subjugation - I was trapped in the belief that I needed to meet the demands and needs of others, otherwise they wouldn't love me or care about me. I would become irrelevant. I used to feel as though I wouldn't have any say and just follow the crowd. I lost my voice. I was afraid to say no. I would allow others to control me and I would always did what was asked of me, but God loves a CHEERFUL giver... he doesn't just want someone who does it for the sake of being accepted. I changed this by using affirmations, such as: I am entitled to my own opinion (if it is not used to harm someone), I can ask for what I need and want and I have the final decision over what I, myself want to do.

5. Self-sacrifice - I used to believe I needed to help and fix others. I used to get so involved in helping them that I would begin to neglect myself and my needs. I would come to neglect my time of healing. I felt sorry for people who were suffering and in need (I still do but I don't allow them to lean on me, instead I started allowing them to fight their own battles and offered an ear to listen to them). I used to feel guilty if I put myself first and failed to help others. I used to hate disappointing them. I changed this by using affirmations, such as: taking care of myself is healthy, I help others best when I allow them to seek solutions for their own problems, and disappointment is a normal part of life.

6. Unrelenting standards - I feel as though nothing I ever did was good enough; I kept trying harder and harder to attain unrealistic goals. I did this with goals, but someone else's goals. I also felt as though I couldn't not be busy, doing nothing would stress me out. I couldn't sit down and do nothing (except now, I feel like quarantine forced me to do exactly that). Why did I want to work myself to the bone? I needed to learn to put my pride aside and allow God to take the wheel. I learnt that stubbornness was actually a rebellion against God... I changed this life trap by using affirmations, such as: I choose to balance my life, relaxing strengthens me by healing my body, mind and soul and I choose to enjoy my life.

I have started focusing on myself and focusing on healing my thoughts. Started to focus on healing and growth more than anything and I have started letting God take over because he knows the plans he has for me, I just have to trust him. If you can relate to any of these, write them down. As soon as you right it down it loses its power over you. I do really recommend reading the "No More Narcissists" by Candace V.Love. It will help you when it comes to recognizing who has red flags and shows you what to look for.