IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM

"...once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, if the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about." - Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the shore

My favourite thing about going through trials and tribulations is that I become a stronger and more mature person after them. I learnt a long time ago to look at the positive side of the problems I face. I realized that one thing is constant and that is the growth and change I am continuously experiencing. I hope you can learn to do the same, especially during this quarantine... this time has given us such a great opportunity to change our perspective and change the way we look at our problems.

The other night I stayed awake till who knows what time because my mind decided to remind me of the time I sang to my crush in 6th grade in front of my entire class... honestly, I completely forgot about it until now... damn you subconscious! And then after that I literally traced through, what seemed like a lifetime of memories. I kept thinking to myself that if I could go back, I would change so many things, don't we all do that sometimes? I wished, first of all, that I'd actually never dated when I was younger, because then I wouldn't have gotten so heartbroken, I wouldn't have lowered my standards and gone for idiots... I realized last night that I never dated a guy who put God first before all things, including temptations. I honestly hope I can teach my children that one day, that if they want to date, then to rather find a good Christian partner, because only then can they be loved the way God loves us. I also think that I want to be brutally honest with them about the things I experienced when I didn't wait, and when I lowered my standards. Another thing I would change would be to continue doing the things I loved instead of stopping halfway, like ballet or piano. I would never stop going to church. I would try harder to be a better Christian. I wouldn't hangout with the 'bad' crowd who corrupted my morals and values. I would have started jogging at a young age. I would have worked a lot harder in school and would always strive to do my best, I was super lazy and never really cared about my work, even though all my projects were always done on time, I know I could have done so much better. I would have focused on the things I was really interested in, instead of doing every activity I possibly could.

BUT... if it wasn't for all of these things I wouldn't be writing this blog right now and possibly helping another person. Life is a perfect mess. If I didn't date so many jerks I would never have been able to share my life-changing narcissistic encounters with you. I wouldn't have known how to teach girls about heartbreak, I wouldn't be able to give advice on why casual sex isn't a good thing, not just because 'you need to save yourself for marriage', but why it was intended for the holy sacrament. I realize that as much as I want to change the past, I can't, but I have the choice to change my future. I can start focusing on my passions now. I can start working hard now. I can choose who I surround myself with now. As much as it keeps reminding me, I will never allow my past to define the future me. I can choose now to continue to remain pure for my husband one day, and in the meantime focus on why this time of singleness is so important for me and my relationship with God.

I read this quote that said, 'the real glow up is when you stop waiting to turn into some perfect version of yourself and consciously enjoy being who you are in the present'. Yes, you went through a lot in your past, you may have made some insane mistakes, you may have strayed... BUT God has a habit of taking these bad experiences and uses them for good. God never forgets about you and no matter how far you feel you are from him, he is always right by your side. I find it so amazing and life changing. He forgives us and loves us irrespective of the past versions of ourselves and the mistakes we've made over and over.

Be real with who you are now, if need be, accept that maybe you are not yet who you would like to be just yet and allow yourself that grace and time to still become that person. Those things you've always wanted to start? Start now. Those people who you are hanging onto who are holding you back and from God? Let them go. Forgive yourself, past and present. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.