FRENCH TOAST

Hello, you beautiful snacks!

Today I wanted to write a blog post about body-positivity. I am doing a shoot this weekend and I am planning to release another blog post about being comfortable in your own skin and how I am not. It was sitting on my mind and well I needed to get it out now. While talking to my friend who is to be the photographer, I realized that as much as I want to do a shoot that shows that I am comfortable with where I am right now in my skin, how I would still love to look better in these pics. Please bare in mind that my cold and lazy butt hasn't exercised to change the outcomes of the photo shoot. Today I got as far as putting on my gym clothes but then sat in my bed all day... WHAT IS HAPPENING? I miss gym and the motivation it gave me. It sucks, some days I will wake up and go for a 45 minute run and then others, like today, I will chill in bed too cold to move... there is no in between. Can someone give me some advice on how to get back to my motivated self, because I am struggling?

I am amazing at giving compliments, but taking them? Ha! Fat chance! It's silly because I know that some days I can feel on top of the world and I can feel beautiful, but other days I feel disgusting. I haven't figured out what my trigger is yet. I have been doing a bible app plan called, "Watch Your Mouth", and it speaks about how your words have the power of life and death, and I can't help but feel this could be where I am falling short. I mean, do I spend more time focusing on my flaws, or do I spend time loving myself? And even if I do spend time focusing on my flaws, what is it that makes them flaws? Can I just say that I stopped doing squats because I was scared that my thighs are going to get big again? That's insane... Some days my tummy is flat, and then others I am blessed with being bloated *rolls eyes*. My body changes shape like I change my clothes.

What is perfection anyways? And if I wanted it bad enough, why am I not doing anything about it? So many questions and here I am supposed to be giving you advice on how to be your best self... I guess this just proves that I don't have it all figured out, and well I don't think I should have it all figured out. I think it's okay to not be okay. I also think that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I do eat healthy and I do go for walks... but damn right in this cold weather you will not find me outside. God, please close your freezer, Migs was not made for winter.

I want to focus on making the inside of me BEAUTIFUL rather than the outside... even if the outside is something I want to focus on. I need to align my thoughts and my heart first. I also need to be comfortable with where I am now and only then want to focus on loving my body and in turn exercising to show myself that I do love my body...

I've had an eating disorder before. I'm glad I came out of it. It wasn't pretty. Where some people throw up after meals or stop eating all together, I was obsessed with taking laxatives right after eating (I know, how glamorous?). I had just gone vegan and well all I wanted to do was get skinnier and skinnier. Before I knew it I was skin and bone (girl's please don't try this, it is not worth it). What I didn't know is that if you take too many laxatives for too long, your body becomes dependent on them. You will not be able to go to the bathroom without them, and you would have to start taking more and more for it to work. NOT WORTH IT. My body took a long time to get back to normal and well it wasn't pleasant. If anything it was the most painful experience I could have ever put myself through. After this whole debacle I also became lactose intolerant... I love my milk and chocolate. Now every time I have any dairy, my body hates me.

I have to go through so much more now in order to take care of my body than ever before, because I didn't treat it with the respect and love it truly deserves. Your body is God's temple. Your body is your home. Love and nurture it. It fights for you. It keeps you breathing. It does so many things for us and well sometimes we abuse it, whether it be starving it, or over-working it, or even binge-eating. Too much of anything is bad for you. Smoothies are amazing though, they give you nutritional value, they do fill you, and because it is in a liquid form, it makes it easier for your body to digest.

I would suggest learning about your body, you know, what it needs and what you can and can't eat. For example, I am supposed to be vegan... I'm not though... I love my chicken and fish too much, as well as my dairy. My body could not break down red meat at all and so I've cut that out completely, but I struggle with the rest. Maybe one day I will go back to being vegan, but for now I think I am weak as well as broke. Can we please lift each other up and encourage each other of our beauty inside and out?

So now that I have rambled on about things you probably didn't need to know, I will keep you updated on the measures I take in order to become more body-positive without looking for the approval of others. Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for the past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting. But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.