THE PERFECT FACADE

I've always been good at pretending I'm happy about my body, my appearance... I'm not. I don't think I've ever been in a place where I was 100% happy with myself. I get demotivated when I exercise and don't see results immediately and then just stop... it's a mental block. I don't want to get stuck in this toxic cycle that seems endless. How can I call myself imperfect when the one who created me says I am perfect? How do I expect someone else to love me if I am not willing to love myself? And then if I see so many imperfections in myself, how can I expect to lift up others when it comes to their bodies and appearance? I have caught myself many times in the act of projecting my own insecurities onto other people, because that's what we do... we find things in other people that we don't like about ourselves. I am all about feminism and body empowerment, but I think I used this as an excuse for so long and just kept on lying to myself. I use to do photo shoots where my aim would be to get the most likes and most followers, they were revealing and, I guess you can say, sexual in many ways... tempting. If my aim was purely for awareness fine, but it wasn't. I did it for attention.

I've recently removed quite a lot of my posts on my feed that haven't been lining up with my morals and values, the Christian image that I want to portray. I no longer want to allow social media to drive me by me constantly obsessing over how many likes and followers I get... I want to use it as a platform where I can change lives, inspire people, help people. I had a talk with one of my best friends, Kayla, and we spoke about this topic quite a lot actually.

She told me that the way you judge people creates the psyche which you believe other people judge you... and I have never heard anything more truthful. When you see imperfections in yourself, these start to reflect in what you see in other people, and when you judge other people on these things you begin to believe that other's are judging you about the same things. It's all very psychological. We start believing horrible things about ourselves that no one has ever even pointed out to us. I know with me, I was always judged for being loud and irritating and talking too much and it became a huge insecurity of mine and I started seeing it in myself and other people.

Social media has become a lot more accepting with regards to body figures and appearances all being beautiful. I know when it comes to me, I do have the habit of looking at other girls bodies on social media and thinking, "WOW, I wish I looked like that..." and that just comes down to my insecurities, because I'm not comfortable with my body. I know that it does happen that people can be brutal and call you fat, I had that in Highschool and I literally starved myself for a week or two, till I realized I hadn't picked up a single kg when he told me that I'd picked up weight.

Your twenties are the most pinnacle time in your life where we start changing our mindsets with regards to who we are and how our past traumas have affected us now, and making the decision to see how it has inevitably helped us. Kayla brought up a really good and powerful point stating that we can look at a sunset and think it's the most beautiful thing God has ever created and that He is amazing, and look at ourselves and think, "Yuck".

Having a positive mindset is a massive thing to ask of ourselves, because we aren't always going to be our best selves, we aren't always going to be positive and happy. I know sometimes when I decide to change my mindset, and I start feeling a slump I can't get out of, I start judging myself harshly. Truth is that self-development is a process, a never-ending one. You are going to feel ashamed and broken and sad and insecure sometimes, and trying not to stay in these states gets really difficult. Self-development is about unlearning and relearning.

During this lock down period I have gone from being lazy, to honestly being the best version of myself, focusing on myself, my relationship with God, my goals and my purpose, and then hitting rock bottom. I became demotivated and felt like I was trapped. I wasn't seeing any results and I was getting so frustrated. I have a beautiful house and family, but I miss the outside world. I miss being able to go out with my girls and hosting games nights. I miss meeting new people and working. I miss physical affection... hugging someone. I miss the little things like having deep conversations with strangers I've just met who become great friends of mine. I miss traveling to Hartebeespoort dam when I used to feel like getting away. I miss, most of all, my family. I miss our get-togethers and family braais. I miss going to our farm to get away from the rushed city life. I feel like I'm stuck and it really broke me down. I have finally found some small way out of it and managed to pick myself up.

I need you to know that it's okay to feel like this. This quarantine thing is new for all of us and going from being social extroverts to this, well it does mess with you. We are left with our thoughts that seem to sabotage us. I know that I need to get back to focusing on my thoughts and realizing that not everything is truthful. I think I have said this many times before, I know I have when speaking to my girls, but your mind is the devils favourite battlefield. He corrupts our minds and thoughts. Be careful, be vigilant, and be cautious.

In our talk we brought up a verse in the bible that states that you need to choose your counsel wisely. You need to surround yourself with people who inspire you and who motivate you to be the best version of yourself. People who push you to be the best Christian you can be. Friends who keep you in check. That's what my friends do for me. I knew that if I did this photo shoot, it would be the easiest thing to just revert back to my old self, you know, the one who would take photos for attention, and so having realized that I asked Kayla to come help me with my shoot. This way she could tell me no when she knew that this is no longer the image I wanted to portray. If you are going to surround yourself with friends who are constantly getting you drunk and make it seem okay to sleep around and do drugs and what not, it is likely that you are going to continue doing these things too. There's a verse in the bible that says something along the lines of, "it's easier for your heart to be corrupted than for you to change the heart of someone corrupted." Don't fool yourself, little old you does not have that kind of power alone.

Hopefully as we are starting to emerge from our homes and back into society, our sanity will slowly rejoin us. I know I haven't given much advice in this blog post, because honestly I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Hopefully, I will be able to do a follow up post with the steps on how to change your mindset and to stop judging yourself. I guess for now the only advice I can give you is for you to remember who made you, and made you fearfully and wonderfully.