I'M THE BAD GUY, DUH!

I was considering calling this blog post, "Who am I to judge?", but the more and more I thought about this post, the more God was shining a light on the things I myself have not accepted. Don't worry, this is a good thing, for without it I would not be able to change.

In light of recent events, imagine my surprise to once again find out that I am not perfect... at all... it's ridiculous, I can't even anymore.

Of late I have been falling into the deceitful trap of gossiping, yes, gossiping. It is not something I am proud of. I have been so surrounded by negativity and gossip that I constantly find myself in situations where I choose to continue gossiping even while knowing it is wrong. Honestly, gossiping and complaining is such an unattractive and ungodly trate and look, most definitely not the way a godly woman should portray herself.

My first victim this year came from a fight I had with one of my guy friends, who I admittingly (only to you guys of course) had a slight crush on. I feel like we know where this is going, and you're all wrong, there is a plot twist. If any guys are reading this, a cautionary tale I'd like you to familiarize yourself with, do not under any circumstance tell a girl you want to marry her if you have no intention of marrying her. Why men do this I don't understand. As females God has created us with this built in desire to be married and have a family, to love and be loved in return. As soon as you put this thought and idea into her head, a woman starts romanticising the idea of it all. This is what my friend did to me... before things unsaid hit the fan.

A group of us were supposed to go to my family's holiday home in Witbank at the end of March. While him and I were discussing it, I quickly realized he had no intention of any of my friends joining and was filling up every room with friends of his I'd never even met before. He then tells me that his friends ARE my friends... I was like, no, I know two of them.

Then when he found out that I would be sleeping in a room with a girl, he asked why I would be doing that and if he could sleep in the middle... what does this look like to you? No! After I said no, he then told me not to worry, he will invite a girl for the weekend to "cuddle". Do I look stupid? I was so angry. Am I running a brothal for the weekend? I told him if he wanted a room then he could share one with the best guy friend. He fought with me about it and then told me that I was throwing my Christianity in his face... no, this is not my Christianity being rubbed in your face, it is the fact that you are coming to my family's house, under our roof, which to me means you respect it and respect our morals and values. Go do this at your own house. Sorry, I still get upset speaking about it.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got... until it hit me. This is exactly what I did to my parents when I went through a dip. I too wanted someone over to sleep in my bed, under my parents roof. My mom was so upset that I would even consider asking that. I could not understand why... I was a grown woman who could make her own decisions. She said to me, "you have come so far and now you're going right back?" I didn't realize in the moment that my mother was doing this out of love and out of worry for me. In my stubbornness I disobeyed her and did my own thing which ended up hurting me even more than I would've had I just listened to her. I was not strong enough on my own, especially in my hour of weakness.

In that moment of realization I humbled myself and immediately messaged my friend saying that I was sorry because I knew exactly where he was coming from because I did the exact same thing not long before. Instead of reacting in love, I retaliated and got upset with him. I was so worried about him and the mistakes he was making that I ended up pushing him away. But I mean I had prayed the night before about him to God and asked God to show me why I shouldn't be with him and well He sure did. I ended up painting my friend in such a bad light instead of showing grace...

Then lately I have also been thinking about my ex a lot... which is weird because I don't miss him or want him back. Honestly I wish him well. But why am I constantly thinking about him and dreaming about him? Firstly, I think I am romanticizing the idea of a relationship again and get upset that he gets to be happy in that aspect and not me...

Secondly, I think this is all the enemies doing. I think the enemy is trying to use my old habits and weaknesses to distract me from what God is doing in my life, to once again drag me away from Him. Funny though, the only thing I have ended up doing is once again painting him (my ex) in a bad light and as the villain in the story and myself as the victim. Truth is I, too, was in the wrong. I, too, was the bad guy. I hurt and damaged him every time I broke his heart and went back to him giving him trust issues. I broke him down just as much as he did to me. I treated him with disrespect and it was ugly. So right now, no I don't believe I am quite ready for anything romantic.

Where I used to be so good at leading in love and understanding, I have felt that lately I become frustrated out of fear of the other person's life habits and ways. I do it with family too. I forget that God can work miracles and if He can save me from all that I was, who am I to judge? Who am I to think any less of His power and might?

However, to not alarm myself and to not lose hope, I have seen a massive change in my character and exponential growth. My sinful ways, though still there at times, are melting into nothing compared to what it was like before and my trust in God has grown stronger than ever before. It's funny, but after my last blog post about Mr. Bulgarian Mafia Guy, I have trusted God to reveal to me who is not for me. I pray about each guy I catch slight feelings for and He immediately shows me their true colours. Which is amazing because He has also given me peace and discernment about it. God has removed guys from my life quicker than you can say "toasted cheese".

I am blessed that God has been shining a light on my darkness, for without Him I would continue to walk the broken road.

Psalm 1:1-3

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."