IN THE WAITING

Hello my beautiful "single" readers. I say that because, I mean, I guess you can already assume which kind of waiting I'm referring to. ;)

Oh, the hard life of being stuck in what we Christians like to call, "The Season of Singleness", Dum Dum Duuuummmm!

I, myself, have been single for the last 3 years, which I won't lie, has at most times been great, but there are those few moments when, well, they're not so great.

In 2020 I decided to embark on an intentional "Year of Singleness", thinking I am going to meet my husband by the end of it. Well, I think you can imagine my shock when still 3 years later I am single... I do however think my mindset on the year was wrong. I did want to actively pursue my relationship with God, and I did want to focus on healing. What I didn't realize is that this journey is an ongoing one with no final destination. There was and is no goal I could set in order to reach the end of my journey, my mission. But, there is such beauty in that.

These last couple of months though have been quite difficult, I'm going to be quite open and honest with you. All around me I've had friends getting engaged, or married, or having their second child, or even just entering into relationships, and I'm sitting here not even in a talking stage with a possible prospect. It's okay, we're okay.

I'm beginning to realize I may not be as "content" in my singleness as I thought I was, and I've possibly been idolizing the idea of finding a husband. You can imagine that God, being a jealous and loving God, probably does not want that. And, I mean, neither do I, but I never realized that it had become an idol as such. My radar has been on high alert wherever I go saying, "Is it you? Is it you? How bout you?". A draining experience to say the least. I keep getting told that people would find their husband and wife when they became content and "stopped looking", and I don't want the reasoning behind me being content, or to stop looking, to be that I will find the One, but rather to really let that control go. Realizing there is nothing I can do to physically hurry the process up.

SO, my mission this year is not to distract myself in the busyness of my life, but to be so intentional in my pursuit of God and finding contentment in knowing that, yeah, I may not find someone this year, or the next, or the next. As daunting as that may be... I thought I'd be married by now with my first kid.

But I'm so encouraged by God's perfect timing and he has never once let me down. Even in regards to how he blessed me with this new job. After I'd prayed for MONTHS about what it was that I should do, he opened a door to an opportunity that allowed me to still give 4 weeks notice, as well as go on my mission trip (which I was so set on not cancelling) in order to then start it in the first week of Jan! A whole new chapter.

My apartment last year as well. I had a goal to move out by April, but every apartment I applied for denied me. God blessed me with an apartment which I moved into on the last day of April.

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

And we know that the Lord's plans for us are so much greater than we could ever imagine. I have seen that this last year even when I felt like giving up hope. God is so gracious and kind and never ceases to amaze me. I think we can sometimes get into this mindset of, "well it's not happening, God probably doesn't care", but it is true when he says he knows the desires of our hearts, and when he says, "when the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen."

I seem to go into a bit of a downward spiral when I realize I have feelings for someone that may not like me back, and for my own health it is extremely detrimental. If I am struggling to lose feelings I start telling myself that; I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not holy enough, not worthy, not important enough. Yoh, the things I do to myself and my self-confidence is so toxic. These accusations against myself are so false, but why is it that I turn to this reaction instead of one that is obedient and patient? I struggle to let go of this need to have control because it is not something you can physically let go of.

However, I am finding ways to do just that. Let go. I do this by DAILY laying it at his feet and praying over it. I emphasize "daily", because I want you to understand that you don't just pray once for some things. Trusting God isn't always easy and when keep praying without ceasing, we keep on seeking him, we then find comfort. This is one of the more difficult things I've had to deal with. I have had to let go of men I felt such strong feelings for because God was clear in saying, "not right now", or, "not him"... to a point where I would not be able to eat for 2 weeks. So when I fall for someone truly, please know it affects me greatly. But this, too, is something I'm just giving to God.

Realizing that HE will never reject me. HE will never leave me. HE will always love me. And only HE will fulfill me.

I hope you can possibly find comfort and encouragement in knowing you are not alone in feeling this. I completely understand. I've been there, I am STILL there. But how are we going to allow this to grow us instead of letting it break us? My prayer for you is that you will be fulfilled in Christ, needing nothing else. That your eyes will be so fixed on him that nothing and no one will take them away from Christ.

Colossians 2:10

...and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority.