JUST OUT OF REACH

I am reminded of the verse,

Isaiah 60:22

When the time is right, I, the Lord will make it happen.

I should be comforted by this, in knowing a promise that was made to each and every one of us. A reassurance that the Lord's plan for our futures are secured and for our good, but man it is not easy.

In this current time in my life I am extremely conflicted with two opposite extremes... 1. being that I am so content in my singleness most of the time, just really enjoying my growth, my journey, and my relationship with God. I am also growing my career and finally finding my feet after these past two years of COVID. I truly am. I am so amazed at where I have come from and where I am going.

Then no. 2. what I seemed to think would only be a single year of singleness, has just passed the two year mark... it's honestly hilarious how I thought I would take a year of singleness and then find my husband as if I had a say in the matter. And I mean it is not as though I have not had the opportunity, it is just that I, both, know my worth and what exactly I am looking for. This has nothing to do with looks and worldly aspects. It is the godliness I am waiting for. A man after God's own heart.

I am turning 25 this year... I thought years back that I would already be settled down, married and have a child by now. It is such a struggle to see so many couples around me getting engaged and married, and I am here not even in the beginning of a talking stage. Like my phone is so dry. Not that I am complaining, I honestly don't have time or energy to entertain the idea. If I did, I think I would at least be on hinge and going on dates or something, but I truly, deeply believe that, again, when the time is right, God will make it happen. I do not need to force anything and try "put myself out there".

I started seeing someone very briefly last year. It truly wasn't much. It was a 3 week talking stage. Now before you roll your eyes at me, hush and let me explain, because this man somewhat set the standard for the next real relationship I get into, even in the short little 3 weeks I spoke to him. I feel as though if I can get this off my chest on here, I can possibly move on with my life, because I am being driven abso-bloomen-lootely up the wall by this whole situation. First of all, the man and I had been serving at the Church youth together for MONTHS and I did notice him at all. Like legit. I thought I was meeting him for the first time at a young adults ice cream evening about 4 months into us serving and being in the same room together, and even then I got his name wrong thinking it was something not even remotely similar. I did not pay any attention to him and even when I finally did meet him officially, I thought nothing of it. BTW this man has STYLE, like proper style... and not just that, like this man do be having a heart after God's.

Getting to know him was like gaining a best friend. I, again, thought nothing of it. I had just really enjoyed speaking to him and it was literally non stop paragraphs on paragraphs. He asked me to coffee and I agreed (not knowing this was a date, because let's be honest, COFFEE is not a date. But this is a discussion for another time...). After seeing him in person after him asking me, only then did I perceive it as being somewhat of something more than being just friends. I was kind of okay with it, mostly because being able to speak so naturally with someone didn't sound like such a bad idea to possibly eventually be more than friends.

The Sunday we went for our first coffee, this man happened to be preaching at our youth. DEAD I tell you. I was not okay. I was freaking out...LIKE this is what I have beeeeeeeen waiting for. A good, godly man who is building God's kingdom and even possibly preaching and BOOM, here I had a man pursuing me who was also whole-heartedly pursuing God. I started to get a little more excited than usual okay, not idolizing him, but just genuinely excited.

Either way, the coffee and walk in the park after church was blissfully, unexpectedly easy going. This man was so funny and at the same time so open about his journey and his purpose and just what he was working on. It was inspirational to say the least. I still had my heart guarded though, I was not about to just fall for the first godly man that showed interest, I was prepared to take things SUPER slow, which I, and well we did.

After our coffee he asked me on an official date. It was amazing really, he made sure I knew and understood his intentions, saying "this is a date, I do not want you to be confused about what my intentions are. I would like to pursue you and see where this goes." Girl, give this guy a mic to drop. We struggle so much in this day and age to actually understand and see what a mans intentions are. This was so pure and so beautiful, in a sense of just laying it out so that both of our hearts were protected. On this date he took me to a beautiful restaurant and even bought me pink flowers (which, by the way, is my favourite colour). This man went out of his way to try get to know me and then to act on his knowledge. He also made sure I knew that he was paying, no awkwardness at the end of the date of well, who is going to pay or me offering to pay... no no no, just laying it out so clean.

At the end of the beautiful evening, he walked me to my car, and in the moment where it is a perfect time for that evening kiss, under a beautiful starry night sky, he chose to instead respect me and wait. Now, believe me, of course I wanted him to kiss me, but him not kissing me was so much more impactful that I was almost in awe of it. Taking it slow was an extremely new concept for me, and so having a man take initiative of it was amazing and a prayer answered really.

We started seeing each other more and more often in the next 3 weeks... however I already mentioned that that is only how long it lasted. As much as we wanted to, during the period where we were kind of leading up to being official, we made sure to put in boundaries. God was to be placed first and in the center above anything else, and so if this relationship was going to, in any way compromise our individual relationships with God, then it would end. We barely held hands. We did not kiss. We did not cuddle... well we began to and couple minutes in realized that we are putting ourselves in a compromising situation. BUT what stood out to me is when he had first told me about why he wouldn't kiss me, and his words were, maybe not word for word but, "I want to kiss you, but I have been praying about it and feel the Holy Spirit saying wait. I want to honor you and most importantly God". (Shriek's in girl high pitched voice) What more do you want? Seeing the way this man honored me and most importantly God, inspired me and drew me closer and closer to God. THAT is what the outtake of this almost relationship was. It was the beauty of being drawn closer to God, by someone who is just as passionate and obedient, maybe even more so, to their relationship with God.

When it ended, it ended on good terms. We had been asking for confirmation and he received it. I think what brought me comfort in that moment (besides reading my bible and seeking God both the night before and the morning of the breakup, since he had first messaged me about it and we were to speak in person) was that if this isn't the man God has planned for me, then he is preparing someone even greater. He was faithful and obedient to God's instruction and well, there is nothing I can do about that and nothing I would do to ever stop that.

I trust that God's plan is ever so greater than my own, and I believe that when he has prepared me into the woman I need to be for His kingdom, as well as my husband, then He will work in ways I could only imagine. I was fine after the "breakup", however, the people around me in the church became a constant reminder of this "almost relationship", which started making things a bit more difficult and then making me extremely frustrated. Why were they going on about it? And then on top of everything, I had him saying we couldn't be one-on-one friends, which I completely understand now, but with the build up of everything I just about lost it. I have been experiencing a rollercoaster of feelings with regards to this situation which has now not made things any easier.

But here's the great news, haha, the twist. From thinking I was over him, feelings have resurfaced from my side and I literally do not know what to do. There is literally no other way this poor man can tell me nothing is going to happen. I have been told not to have any hope of anything happening in the future. Told that we cannot meet one-on-one because he does not want to entertain the idea of something more. Told that he needs space. There is literally no other way. However, where these feelings surfaced from, I literally do not know and I find myself in a predicament here, because I was fine. I was over him. I had moved on. And yet now with not even really speaking or spending time with him, I catch myself glancing at him constantly. Thinking about him and even dreaming about him, which is even worse. (And no, not like weird dreams, just scenarios my mind apparently wants to play out).

I have tried thinking of multiple ways to deal with this, but I have never been in a situation like this before. However, my only conclusion and well greatest solution is to seriously draw closer to God, getting to know Him more and focusing on the purpose He has designed for me.

I read a quote today that said,

"My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God's word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes - many times - my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens - and it happens every day in some measure - I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth."

How beautiful is that? I want to close of by saying, yes it is difficult almost having something that is just out of reach, but I believe that when the time is right, the Lord will make it happen. And so in the interim I will try to be a faithful servant, and continue to grow in relationship with God and strengthen my faith. A faith that will move mountains.

If you have ever been in my situation or are going through something similar, I want you to know that we can be fragile with God. We can be open with Him. I kept feeling and acting as though I was a strong godly woman, and this meant not dealing with the end of that almost relationship properly. It was a big deal and I did not treat it like it was at the time it happened and now I am having to face what I think are the repercussions of my decision. Instead of being vulnerable and allowing myself grace to hurt and heal, I am having to revisit these feelings so that I can do just that. Either way, this was a long rant, but I hope I could speak to someone. I mean, even if it was to just give hope that there are actually godly men out there with a heart after God, and who are intentional, honest and obedient in their faith. So if you are feeling discouraged, I say to you, wait on the Lord. Do not rush into anything that is not of God. As much as I do not like waiting, I have learnt that being patient and waiting on God's timing (with well everything else) has benefited me so much more than if I had rushed into things my character was not yet ready for. So be patient and seek Him first.