RISING TO THE OCCASION

Wow, it has been a minute, the longest minute of my life. Excuse me for my disappearing act, I was struggling a little bit with a depressive slump, but now that I am finally out of it, I feel so ready for anything!

I just want to start off by saying that I understand what it is like to be depressed. Heck, I know what it is to be suicidal even, but luckily that wasn't the case this time round. I know what it is like to not want to get out of bed...to cancel every single plan you had made, to not eat right and gain a couple extra kgs. And I also just want to say that it is okay! But you may be in this state and wondering how to get out of it? Let me see if my experience can help you a little bit.

I won't say it is easy. In fact, I may go as far as to say that it is probably the most difficult thing to do, because you mostly have to get yourself out of that state. BUT, there is hope! Ain't it exciting?

Now, my slump lasted a little longer than two months and my goodness I thought that was what life was going to be like from now on. I was absolutely miserable. I had not experienced true joy, or a feeling of light-heartedness in the longest time. I was almost ready to accept it as the new normal. I begged God to take me out of this state. I begged Him for guidance, for reassurance, for purpose. When I say begging, I mean it. I would cry my heart out because I was sad that I was sad... I am not a sad person. I am extremely joyful. So I didn't feel like myself. I would cry 7 times a day just asking God to remove the pain I was feeling. The feeling of anger, frustration, rejection, loneliness, and unforgiveness. I was so deeply hurt that I couldn't see past it and the more I spoke to people about it who had asked, the more intense these feelings became. And so I drifted from people, and isolated myself.

I stepped out of leading at Youth, and even in the band, but all was necessary. You see, I realized that leading from a place where I had bitter feelings would do more harm than good to the people I was leading. That is not serving... if I had continued I would've been more focused on the titles of "Youth Leader" and "Worship Leader". Sometimes we need to humble ourselves, or be humbled. God sometimes allows for us to be isolated in order to work in us, to work on our character. I learnt so much about myself during this period. Learnt what some of my faults were, because yes, I had been in the wrong as well. There is such beauty in brokenness if we are only willing to see it.

But let's get to the healing part shall we. I couldn't decide if I wanted to leave my Church or if I should stay, so I started trying other Churches (also so that I would still be going to Church and not drift completely. I realized I still needed to be fed by God's word). We must realize the power of the Christian Community...of being surrounded by our brothers and sisters in Christ who comfort us in times of struggle. Those who give us SOUND and BIBLICAL advice so that we are not deceived by false teachings in our times of struggle. And I was deceived for a time. I believed the lies the enemy was whispering in my ears, because it had sounded so truthful. Friends, let us continue to seek Christ and his truth, not our own and to lean on our own understanding. I dug into the word each and every single day.

I couldn't feel God, I could barely hear Him. He was silent. I felt alone. I am in this time now reminded of the famous song "Way Maker". Funny enough, while I am writing this, it has just started playing. Even when we do not see it, He is working. Even when we do not feel it, He is working. We will go through seasons where we feel as though we have been abandoned. Heck, even David experienced that multiple times, praying, "Why have you forsaken me?". I realize now that this created the opportunity for me to continue to be faithful and to continue seeking Christ. Our faith is not and should not be based on our feelings. It should not be based on experiencing his presence. Our faith is based on our constant relationship with Him. I listened to a podcast which spoke of our faith and how it is measured and it was so beautifully put, "You cannot judge the marriage by the wedding. You judge it by its endurance and commitment." That is how our relationship with Christ should be. But I was also constantly reminded of the promise He has made to all of us, that He will never leave us, nor forsake us.

Then, last week Wednesday I felt that I needed to go back to Youth on the Friday, which had surprised me because I didn't think I'd ever be going back. Thursday then came and I got 2 free tickets to the Bethel concert where I worshipped my heart out. I lay everything down at the feet of Jesus. I prayed and asked God once again to release me from the grip of depression, of frustration and anger. And after these last two months, I finally experienced the joy I had been lacking. I was revived, rejuvenated. God is so good.

I was welcomed back into my Church with such open arms it was overwhelming! I had learnt that I had been holding onto unforgiveness which had been eating away at me. I had allowed the enemy to let his lies fester in my mind, in my heart. Being made aware of where I was wrong did me so much good. Being convicted of your wrong doing is never easy and comfortable, but I only grew from this. I am only able to better myself when I am humbled. We are not called to stay as we are. We are called to be transformed, refined... and this is not an easy process. BUT, it is worth every inch of pain we experience. Worth every bit of suffering.

I think what is actually so beautiful is that a while ago I posted something on Instagram with the caption: "Let it be my story, my testimony that no matter what happens, no matter what life throws my way, no matter how many times I get knocked down, that I will be drawn closer to God and be a woman after His own heart. Never losing my faith, never wavering, for I know He is greater than anything I could experience in this lifetime. So may I be found on my knees surrendering to God, for I know when I am weak, He is strong. And therefore, I will, all the more gladly, boast in my weakness." And to still be able to say that even after such a difficult period, I still stand true to this, that God has stayed true to this. That God has never forsaken me in my times of need, even when He seems to be distant or silent, I know that my God has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me.

I Chronicles 28:9

If you seek Him, He will be found by you.